Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I just finished watching the Glee Project. Ahh-mayy-zing. I loved every second of it. Did I sob like a pup torn from his mother's teat? None of your business. I loved both of the winners and couldn't decide who I wanted to win more. So exciting. The only thing is I noticed a strange and inappropriate reaction to the season finale of the show.... I was raging jealous the entire time. I'm talking like knot-in-my-stomach-heart-pounding jealousy. As if they were somehow my competition??? It makes no sense. But, as my therapist says, you can't control how you feel. But it made me realize- this isn't the first time I've experienced irrational jealousy. Lately, in fact, it's been happening a lot.

Here is a list of things/people/situations that make me green with envy:

  1. Katy Perry. Weird, right? She's just so fucking successful and her songs are so catchy. What a bitch. Now, why I can't simply just enjoy her catchy summery tunes- I don't know. I don't understand it. 
  2. My boyfriend. For multiple reasons. A, he weighs less than I do. B, the whole penis thing. I definitely have penis envy. It's just SO much easier. I pee all the time and it's a huge hassle not to mention waste of toilet paper (I'm actually serious). C- the head nod thing. He just gets so much more respect from grown ups than I do and I'm totally jealous. 
  3. Louis CK. Love him, but jealous of him. Maybe I'm only jealous of people I really love? Maybe Katy Perry, my boyfriend, and Louis CK and I are all meant to be one big happy family? I'm jealous of him because he's a total dud, the poor guy, but he's made it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make it as a comedian? He did it. He found the one thing that he's better at than other people, and he's made himself successful. That makes me crazy. I'm so fucking jealous. I don't know what it is that I can do better than other people. And even if I DID know, how do I make money from it? I want to write, as I've mentioned, but I'm wildly inexperienced and I have no idea how to make money writing. 
  4. Drew Carey. I'm from Ohio, I LOVE the Price is Right, But who gets to stand up there hosting every day, hm? who? not me that's for damn sure. 
  5. Whoever married Taylor Hanson. 
  6. Anyone who can sing well- especially anyone who has performed on Broadway.
  7. Basically anyone who has achieved success of any kind. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Home sweet home- I just arrived back home to LA after visiting my Dad in San Diego for a few days.  I've been dreading our visit because my dad has a fun habit of 'working me over' a.k.a calling me out on any/all of my failures over the past 26 years. But I have to say, he was on his best behavior. He was very supportive of my desire to pursue a vocation that I'm passionate about, which, frankly- shocked the hell out of me. We had a good time, and I'm lucky to have him (tear). 

At lunch today, my dad and I encountered a little tart. His name is Chad, and he was our waiter.  It turns out that Chad is a recent graduate from USD and he's working as a waiter 'while he figures out what he wants to do with his life'... definitely something I can relate to. I've spent plenty of time waiting tables and I'm (as you may have noticed) still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Then Chad said something truly profound, "I'm pretty sure that I am going to take some time to travel for a while before I do anything." I fell in love right then and there. With his idea, I mean. Traveling to London after I graduated college was the best decision I could have made for myself at the time. After inquiring a bit further it turns out that Chad wants to live 6 months in Portugal- to further improve the Portuguese he learned while studying abroad in Brazil. From the depths of my soul I find myself hoping that Chad does, in fact, follow through with this dream. I can sleep better at night knowing that people are out there transforming their lofty ideas into reality. The truth is, picking up and traveling can be scary- especially when you don't have a plan. There are always a million reasons not to do something and you can reason your way out of doing pretty much anything exciting or at all risky. I love hearing stories or meeting people who defy all of that and just go for it. I gave the hostess $20 to give to him after I left and to tell him to go for it. I would have given more, but I'm unemployed (as you may have noticed). Hopefully he'll view it as a sign to not pussy out. 

Chad, do you by any chance read my blog? For these purposes I'm going to assume that you do. Good. First of all, thank you for reading. Secondly, I hope you got the $20 I left for you and the hostess didn't snake me out of my drinking money. Thirdly, I realize that $20 isn't much, but I hope you take it as a sign to follow your dream. It's really important to me to know that people like you exist in this world. If I can be honest with you- and I feel that I can- I've met a lot of pansies lately and I'm starting to lose faith. You don't seem like a pansy though.  I mean, you're on the skinny side, but you definitely seem to know what you want. I respect that. Just please promise me you won't give into the pressure to get a job right away and you'll find a way to pursue your dream. If I come back in a few months and ask about you only to find out you're working at some bullshit insurance company I will freak out. I may even come to your office. I know you don't know me and I may be coming on a bit strong, but I think you have many beautiful gifts to share with the world. Don't dim your light under the florescent glare of corporate America. Be brave and beautiful. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

Sex Sells

As I've mentioned, writing  is my current professional and creative pursuit. When I'm not acting as Mary Poppins or watching the Glee Project on Hulu I'm putting all my efforts into writing. I love this blog. Meaning I love writing on this blog. It's my very own public-diary-stream-of-consciousness outlet. It helped to keep me from throwing myself in front of a bus on numerous occasions- like when we would get countless reprimanding memos about God-knows-what, or told I was to be making cold calls all day. Now that I'm unemployed, this blog (believe it or not) gives me some kind of purpose. If I am able to at least make a post I know I will have reached 3's of people. I know what Mother Theresa and Ghandi were all about. I get it.

But wouldn't it be nice if my blog could reach TENs of people!? I mean a girl can dream, right? And guess what? I have a PLAN on how to do this. And, dare I say it? A fucking good plan. My roommate (also known as, depending on how things are going that day, my fiance) also has a blog. I think it's about... well no one really knows what it's about. But if you look through his blog, you'll see the occasional naked lady. Those posts always get 10 times the amount of hits that his other posts get (the other posts being ones with actual content). So, do you see where this is headed?! I think you do. Come with me on this journey to fame and money. 

Here it goes: 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Case of the Tuesdays :(

I've realized that most of my recent posts have been about the ups and downs of unemployment. Which, makes sense, seeing as I am technically unemployed. But the last thing I want to do is alienate my employed fans (that's right- fans). After all, those behind the cubicle walls of doom, those who have to sneak a peak at their favorite websites while trying not to get caught, who have their email accounts blocked at work, who have 30 minute lunches and 45 minute commutes, YOU are the ones who really need some comic relief. Unfortunately, I won't be able to provide that.

What I can do, however, is offer you some personally perfected tips on how to waste time in the work place. While some may think of it as laziness, I happen to view it as survival. Today is Tuesday, arguably the worst day of the week. It's only slightly worse that Mondays because you aren't sandwiched in by the weekend like Mondays. And on Tuesday, you still have Wednesday, Thursday, AND Friday to get through. You poor souls. Don't worry, I'm here. Think of me as your guardian... blogger? Think of me as whatever you want, but I prefer something with an edgy vibe like 'Escape Artist'... none of this angel business.

Here are my top ways to SURVIVE in the workplace:

  • An obvious one, but take as many trips to the bathroom as humanly possible. Drink tons of coffee, water, tea whatever (especially if you happen to get this stuff for free at work) so you have to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (I happen to have an abnormally tiny bladder- if you can hold your urine better than a 93 year-old man, first of all- congrats to you, secondly drink even more liquids). If you have the option to go to a bathroom further away, great! More time away from the desk. Walk slowly, talk with people in the hallway. This will not only get you a much needed break, but certainly increase your popularity around the office. 
  • I used to download books for free online, copy and paste them into a word document so it looked more work-related, then go to town. This is my personal favorite. You won't find many current books for free online, but tons of classics. By far the best discovery was Stephenie Meyer's (author of the Twilight series... no judgement please) Midnight Sun. It's Edward's account of the first novel- only partially completed, but it's hundreds of pages of cheap thrills. Enjoy. 
  • Leave 5 minutes early for lunch, come back 5 minutes late. You deserve this 10 minutes. Though, not a great idea for those who have to punch a clock (sorry! ).  You guys should drink even more and go to the bathroom every 25 minutes.
  • Start a blog (HELLO!) about the horrible atrocities you suffer daily. Even if google analytics says that you only get 10 hits to your page a day with a high bounce rate, who cares?? It's the only way I didn't throw myself out the window everyday. Oh and if you use blogspot and minimize the page, it almost looks like you're tying an email. 
  • http://thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com/  
  • And, (do I really need to say this??) don't use all your sick days when you're actually sick!! I mean if you have a low fever and sniffles, you may as well go to work anyway. Save your sick days for the days you fear you may murder a co-worker or a heinously annoying client. Your sick days are survival days.  Treat them like gold. 
Any other tips I didn't think of?????!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cray Cray

Although I hate to admit it, I have reason to believe that I have become 'that girl.' 

Allow me to explain... As I've mentioned in other posts, one of the biggest perks of being unemployed (while still having health insurance-- something I'm very grateful for) is that I have ample time to get anything/everything checked out. Wake up with a new mole? Get your ass to a dermatologist- no problem. Your sugar addiction for the past 25 years caused an aggressive cavity that makes your eyes tear up in pain? You can go to the dentist the same day. When you are working 40+ hours a week it can be a total nightmare to try to schedule these types of appointments. Such is no longer the case for me. In fact, I may or may not have gone a bit overboard. I leaf through our health insurance packet as if it were a menu at my favorite restaurant and I know someone else is picking up the tab. Ohhh I can get up to $1000 in acupuncture?? Did you know facials can technically be considered a dermatological procedure?! I'm pretty sure they cover the lap band- and I would be lying if I told you I haven't at least toyed with the idea of gaining 120 lbs then making an awesome come back by losing 130 lbs. I have it all planned out... 

So when I found out that my health insurance covers UNLIMITED psychiatric appointments I was all over that like white on rice.  I found myself a bougie, gay (?), part-time therapist, part-time yoga instructor in Brentwood and I've been in heaven ever since. In all honesty, of all the various doctors that I've been spoiling myself with, this one is definitely a necessity. I won't say that I'm bat shit crazy... maybe just bird poop crazy. My symptoms include (but are not limited to) crippling anxiety, occasional bouts of depression, more anxiety, sprinkled with a dash of hypochondria, and (just to paint you a picture) topped with more anxiety. It's a fun little mix of insanity. My boyfriend finds it hilarious

I've seen drastic improvements since beginning therapy a few months ago. If my anxiety (did I mention I have anxiety?) was a 9 out of 10 before, it's now a 3 or 4. Which is a HUGE improvement to my overall quality of life- and, come to think of it, my boyfriend's as well. He no longer keeps the razors and booze in a 'safe place.' BUT.... I've noticed one tinsy, tiny draw back. You know how annoying it is when someone has a kid and all they talk about is their goddamned kid? As if you care? It's so offensive I can't stand it. Well, unfortunately, I seem to have become 'that girl' only with my therapist. I literally don't think I am capable of having a 10 minute conversation without bringing him up about 307 times. It has to be so annoying for everyone around me. I was recently on the phone talking to a childhood friend who just got engaged and this is actually something I caught myself saying, "well, my therapist tells me that in life we can't control pain. The only thing we can control is suffering, meaning the way to react and deal with pain." UGH. First of all, why the hell I brought up pain and suffering when she called to tell me the happiest news of her life- I still don't fully understand. Secondly, I noticed my tone when I said this to her. It was a balance between serene, forceful, and condescending.  I basically have never sucked more than in that moment. 

But the problem is I can't stop. It's just too exciting! FINALLY, after 26 years, I am able to understand my insanity. It's fantastic. I mean, don't you want to know why you're so off your rocker? And, for the love of God, don't pretend for one second you're not insane. The scariest people in the world are the people who don't recognize their insanity. But I digress. My point is- I will actively try to be less annoying with the whole "I'm-so-enlightened-because-I-go-to-therapy-once-a-week" thing- and I will try not to bring it up in conversation so much. 

And besides, my therapist says that it's totally normal to behave this way.