Friday, March 25, 2011

Pants on Fire

I can very seriously say that I am a truly honest person. I'm not a good liar, I have no desire to lie to people, and it's just my nature to be forthcoming. In fact, I may be bit too honest. I'm sure the significant other would be thrilled if every now and then I omitted the occasional truth. But alas, it's not my style (see "The  Mole Incident"). Take me as I am, sister, for better or for worse.

Unless, of course, it has anything to do with getting a job, keeping a job, or working in general. I can't quite describe what happens to the "professional me" but the change is drastic. Let's just say that I become a shameless pathological liar. I have to admit that I am phenomenal at the interview process. I have literally landed every single job that I've interviewed for. When thinking about why or how this happens I realized what it is that makes me so hireable. I simply lie my ass off. I know exactly what employers want to hear and how they want to hear it. Follow these guidelines and you're golden:

1. Easy one: Always give a firm handshake when making introductions while making clear eye contact and smiling. Say "it's a pleasure to meet you" not "nice to meet you". Pleasure is classier. Make sure not to overdo it with the firm handshake- no one's looking for a ball-crushing lesbian.

2. Somehow manage to throw into the conversation that you are looking for something very long term. You are never looking to leave. You will never move. You will never have children. You live to work. You love long hours. You're looking for a career not a job. You're self-motivated. You'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. (this is about the time when I fear the lightening coming to strike me dead)

3. Delivery is key. You must always carry an aura of "cool confidence". Again, eye contact is key with this. Try to never say "umm" or "yeah". Use works like certainly and feasibility. You're energetic but articulate.

4. Once you have them drooling over your staggering professionalism- you give them a sense of urgency. You never want them to think you need the job. This is very important. You want them to know that you are very interested in the position and very excited about the opportunity. Their your first choice, but you don't need them. This is when I hit them with another lie... "I should let you know that I do I have an offer pending with another company". BAM. This is a winner for so many reasons. A- They know that you are in high demand, B-This is leverage to get the salary you want,  and C- They are more likely to act quickly with an offer. It's my favorite move.

5. Obviously make sure you look incredible. I like to go with a 3-piece black pin-stripe dress suit with killer heels. Men will think you're hot (you're hired) and women will appreciate that you're covered up.

SO yeahh. See what I mean? I hope karma and the Universe aren't too upset with me. Again, it's only the professional me that lies uncontrollably. And I'm pretty honest about lying.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Moley Moley Moley

Today marks the 2 month date since I was laid off.  I'm trying to think of my accomplishments over the past 60 days...


Well, I did do a LOT of laundry. I organized my closest, I've sewed some buttons, visited the grocery store about 48 times. I can't tell you how grateful I am when we run out of something. We're out of garlic?! I'll have to run out and get some right away. That sad visit to Ralph's will be my greatest accomplishment of the day. And I'll be honest about something else. Getting the mail is simply exhilarating. It has to be my favorite part of my day.

Believe me, I'm not complaining. I think about my mental state 3 months ago and I cringe. I was always tired, always on edge, overwhelmed with anxiety, never had any time for myself. Clearly that's changed. But there has to be balance. The other day I found a mole that I didn't know I had. I never noticed it before because it's in a rather... complicated... part of my body. I obsessed over it for hours- clearly it's melanoma. How could a creepy mole appear in an area  that I can positively guarantee you has never seen the sun??? When I told my boyfriend that we had to make each moment count because my days are numbered he asked the question that changed everything. "How the hell did you find that?" I had to explain that since I've been laid off I've had a lot of time on my hands... even time to conduct full body mole checks with a mirror after my showers...daily. He gave me the saddest look. A look of pure horror mixed with fear and concern. That was the moment I decided that I need to get a job.

Not that I'll be chaining myself to a cubicle again. As long as the unemployment checks keep pouring in I'm looking for cash jobs only. I need to make about $2,000 cash/month to supplement the unemployment money. So what's the easiest way for a female in their 20's to make cash? If it weren't for the aforementioned mole I think we all know I'd be naked in some guys basement in the Valley right about now. Seeing as that dream has been shattered I'm going to look for nanny jobs. I'm actually going to nanny tonight for 3 hours ($45 making in rainnn). In addition to the numbing boredom I'm motivated to start working ASAP because I don't want to blow through my savings. The Great Escape is about a year and a half away!

Oh and don't worry- this won't become a Nanny-Diary-type blog. Children freak me out.