Friday, January 21, 2011

dammmmmmmn it

So the day has finally arrived. I knew this day was coming. I could smell it. I could feel it in my bones. And I was right.

Sue pulled me into her office just now. I knew it was serious because the head of HR was already in the meeting along with James who was quivering in the corner. Somehow I got the feeling that I was not getting promoted. Long story short- If I don't make sales calls I will be fired.

I realized as I was sitting there that the only thing that I haven't tried yet is actually making the sales calls. So will I cross over to the dark side? The answer is yes, yes I will. I will whore my services from 8:30am-5:30pm 5 days a week. I'm officially a prostitute. I will make the sales calls beginning next week. This blog may suffer from my productivity, but I will always return. I will come back to you.

Goodbye for now. (Let's be honest I'll see you Monday)

Monday, January 17, 2011

I Have A Dream...

As an African American, I am deeply offended by the fact that I am sitting and writing this blog post from..... (pause for effect)........ WORK. That's right. I'm at work. On Martin Luther King Jr Day. What kind of fucked up world is this where employers overlook the significance of this historic day?! Oh- is the owner of the company here? You know because alllll her employees most certainly are here (except the smart ones who are 'sick' today) and it would only be fair. It's funny. I haven't seen her. All day. I heard something about a ski trip. Interesting.

I heard the best story about this company. Apparently a few years ago our company did have MLK Day off. Nice right? Oh I forgot, you had to be blac AFRICAN AMERICAN to have the day off. Dead serious. So all us whities and Asians were just screwed. Um reverse racism much?

Soooo I don't mean to belittle the atrocities suffered long ago but I do feel the need to point something out.  I'm at work.... against my will.... confined in a small area... unable to leave or move freely. Does this sound at all familiar???????

Just sayin...

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Girl Needs Her Gay

For those of you poor souls out there who don't have a flamboyantly homosexual boss, I feel for you. I have had the misfortune of working for the heteros more times than I would like to admit. The straights are the worst. This is the first time I've had the extreme pleasure of working for a gay man. He is the light of my life day. Whenever the owner of the company gets all in my grill (which happens to be daily) over making sales calls, booking more interviews, or whatever has her panties in a twist that day- James always has my back. And not just in a "well I'll go talk to HR" kind of way- but in a "ahhh hell no she didn't say that to you" and then storms into her office to tell her off kind of way. My little gay man heart skips a beat every time he comes to my rescue. I love him. I want to hang out with him on the weekends and watch Jersey Shore marathons (it's his favorite show btw) while sipping strawberry margaritas and painting eachothers' nails. I want to go to Fire Island and Palm Springs so we can let loose and be all kinds of gay. In other words, he makes me want to be a gayer man.

Here are some highlights of James' amazingness: The other day our division received a scathing email from a very big client of ours. It ripped us a new one saying how he plans to take his business elsewhere because we weren't able to fill a position he needed, we suck, etc. I was horrified that James would be angry that a client was so upset and we would have to kiss the clients ass to get him back. I was wrong. James wrote us a long email about how this guy is a joke and we don't specialize in the type of position he wanted us to fill (I work for a staffing agency PS). This is the kicker... James ended the email by saying "don't worry guys you're doing a great job. He just sucks so POO POO to him." HA!! I peed a little when I saw this. This is an email I got today from him:

No L’s


All the L’s are done……

I literally have no idea what he's talking about. But all I know is that I love him. For those of you who are unhappy in your jobs ask yourself this- is your boss a raging hetero? because if he/she is you need to get out now. As in get yourself all dolled up in some hot pants and some sexy heels, put on the makeup (regardless of your gender), pound some shots, get yourself to West Hollywood and start NETWORKING SOME GAYS. It's the only way to survive this corporate bullshit.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Midnight Erotica

As much as I hate this expression I have to use it. I have a violent case of the Mondays. I'm honestly crippled with depression today because A- I know I won't be jogging on the beach anytime soon B-I'm not allowed to drink pomosas before noon whilst working and C- the owner is all over me to make sales calls.

Have I mentioned I hate sales calls? Well I do. I reallllly fucking hate them. I'd rather spend a week in a jail cell alone with J-Lo, Mark McGrath, and Antoine Dodson than make 1 cold call. Just explain this to me. Why would I want to call people while they're working, interrupt their work, and try to get them to do things they don't want to do? Not my idea of a good time. In fact, it's my own personal nightmare. These days my dreams consist of incredibly-erotic-dirty-novel-status-sex-dreams OR thrashing-in-my-sleep-wake-up-with-the-sweats-because-I'm-having-a-panic-attack dreams. Guess which one I prefer? Every cold call nightmare is then in essence robbing me of a night of erotica. Fuck that. Cold calls are ruining my life. Sue (the owner of the company) is on my ass everyday to make more and more calls. She makes me send in a list of the calls I make daily. Without fail, she always has something bitchy to say back. My anxiety level is at a code red. All because of cold calls. Pitiful. Last week was my first week of calls. Here are the responses Sue sent me regarding my daily call log:

We can try and meet tomorrow for a bit. Would like to see a few more calls made. How many are you making?

Stay on top of all the ones who tell you they have another agency. Also how many actually calls today?

Many of these names are not spelled correctly so always be ACCURATE

Ouch. Maybe I am dyslexic? But did anyone notice how she said "how many actually calls today"? Yeah.... not so accurate, are we? I'm now at a point where I can't figure out if I want to get fired or not. This job is obviously instrumental in our Great Escape  and.... you know... survival. But at what cost????? My midnight erotica? Ah hell no. Universe, can you hear me? Do you read my blog? All I need is about $30K to pick up and go. PLEASE send me $30K. I promise I will do good things in this world. Perhaps I should consider cold calling random people and asking for money? Eh?