Friday, March 25, 2011

Pants on Fire

I can very seriously say that I am a truly honest person. I'm not a good liar, I have no desire to lie to people, and it's just my nature to be forthcoming. In fact, I may be bit too honest. I'm sure the significant other would be thrilled if every now and then I omitted the occasional truth. But alas, it's not my style (see "The  Mole Incident"). Take me as I am, sister, for better or for worse.

Unless, of course, it has anything to do with getting a job, keeping a job, or working in general. I can't quite describe what happens to the "professional me" but the change is drastic. Let's just say that I become a shameless pathological liar. I have to admit that I am phenomenal at the interview process. I have literally landed every single job that I've interviewed for. When thinking about why or how this happens I realized what it is that makes me so hireable. I simply lie my ass off. I know exactly what employers want to hear and how they want to hear it. Follow these guidelines and you're golden:

1. Easy one: Always give a firm handshake when making introductions while making clear eye contact and smiling. Say "it's a pleasure to meet you" not "nice to meet you". Pleasure is classier. Make sure not to overdo it with the firm handshake- no one's looking for a ball-crushing lesbian.

2. Somehow manage to throw into the conversation that you are looking for something very long term. You are never looking to leave. You will never move. You will never have children. You live to work. You love long hours. You're looking for a career not a job. You're self-motivated. You'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. (this is about the time when I fear the lightening coming to strike me dead)

3. Delivery is key. You must always carry an aura of "cool confidence". Again, eye contact is key with this. Try to never say "umm" or "yeah". Use works like certainly and feasibility. You're energetic but articulate.

4. Once you have them drooling over your staggering professionalism- you give them a sense of urgency. You never want them to think you need the job. This is very important. You want them to know that you are very interested in the position and very excited about the opportunity. Their your first choice, but you don't need them. This is when I hit them with another lie... "I should let you know that I do I have an offer pending with another company". BAM. This is a winner for so many reasons. A- They know that you are in high demand, B-This is leverage to get the salary you want,  and C- They are more likely to act quickly with an offer. It's my favorite move.

5. Obviously make sure you look incredible. I like to go with a 3-piece black pin-stripe dress suit with killer heels. Men will think you're hot (you're hired) and women will appreciate that you're covered up.

SO yeahh. See what I mean? I hope karma and the Universe aren't too upset with me. Again, it's only the professional me that lies uncontrollably. And I'm pretty honest about lying.


  1. I like the part about the sense of urgency. This one works all the time. This will be a fun blog to read.

  2. So true...on all counts. Particularly the dressing to impress (both genders). As an intern in a restaurant, I just wear a chef's coat right now (

    Good luck with the continued job hunt!

  3. Hey L...
    Keep your spirit ALIVE by always following your PASSION.

    Part of figuring out what you want to do in this life comes from figuring out what you DON"T WANT TO DO - and then what you want comes by default (generally...)

    The "right" career will find you soon enough - KEEP THE FAITH!!!!