Friday, July 29, 2011

Organized Chaos



I have to say that these past 6 months of unemployment have been exactly what I needed. Admittedly, this time hasn't been all fun and games (just some of it). It's been stressful and scary and occasionally shameful, but I've recently realized that I like the chaos and unpredictability of my life right now. I'm 26 years old and I will admit that I don't know what the fuck I am doing. There. I said it. Why is it so hard to admit that we sometimes don't have a plan, or don't want a plan? (And by the way... if my life ever does become regimented and predictable you have my permission to shoot me- you know... with a gun). This affectionate attitude towards disarray is not to be confused with complacency. I am here, in the thick of it, brawling against my own insecurities and society's judgements- fighting like hell to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I ask myself over and over- what is my passion? What would I do if I could do anything?

And, in the midst of all this confusion, I have discovered that there is something so wonderful about not taking the shortcut. There's a personal transformation that can only occur while your knee deep in your own insecurities and fears. I've been presented with 2 perfectly respectable job opportunities since I've been laid off. But both felt like a cop-out. Both felt like I was giving into the fear of unemployment and taking the easy way out. I know I made the right choice by sticking this out. I have decided to give myself the gift of chaos and I give myself permission to take the scenic route.

The most insane part of all of this is I do know what I want to do. I've known for a long time, it just took me this long to admit it. I want to be (brace yourselves... or yourself I should say... I think I only have one 'regular' reader... Heyyy Nat)..... a writer. As in I want to write. Professionally. Preferably for money at some point. Not because I feel like I'm unstoppably talented or anything. Nor do I think that the sweet lord has bestowed upon me a gift and it is my duty to share this gift with the world (Nat, feel free to disagree with any of this). I just feel that if you are drawn to something, and something feeds your soul in a way that is new and exciting, don't you owe it to yourself to see what it's all about? 

I have this image- nightmare I should say- of myself at 35 sitting at my desk at my fancy, formidable, nod-worthy, career-type job and I'm just a little bit dead inside. I have shaped my life in a way that many people respect and would expect of me. Maybe I needed to take the job because I have a husband and a kid (ugh again, permission to shoot me DEAD if this happens. The kid part. Not the husband part. Love you babe) and I felt like it was the right thing to do. And I always wonder what would have happened if I had the balls to try writing? What would have happened if I really went for it? What would have happened if I had been able to put aside my fear of failure and embarrassment? (Just a note: I am tooootally mortified to admit that I want to write. I sort of feel like the asshole who comes to LA and thinks they're going to become an actor. Or someone who's mom told them they were pretty one time too many and now they really believe that they are going to become a model. And who knows? People come to LA and successfully model and act.... and write... all the time. But, I mean, come on. This is just slightly less humiliating than the time my brother walked in on me masturbating with a sock when we were kids). So there it is. My nightmare. Sitting at my desk in the future always tormented by asking 'what if?' 

Since I've presented my worst nightmare... I suppose it's only fair to confess my deepest dream when it comes to writing. I think that everyone, myself of course included, have a deep desire to really be seen and understood. I love authors who write about their experiences, their flaws, their insecurities. It’s an unnerving and exhilarating experience when you can find a book or author who can speak for you. Raw honesty is the best part of reading, and presumably, writing. So that's the dream. I unveil parts of myself through writing and people are somehow moved by my experiences. 

Oh and since we're dreaming, I also want a HUGE rack. 

3 comments:

  1. I can relate to this a lot, coming out of unemployment and dealing with underemployment. When you take a job just to have a job, you lose a little piece of self along the way unless there's some self-expression involved in it, so make sure it's at least 80% interesting to avoid the chance you'd want to bash your head in on your desk. What do you plan to write about?

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  2. Thanks for the comment! What am I going to write about? The short answer is I have no idea! The real answer is I'm going to be taking writing workshops that will hopefully spark some ideas and I also have an idea for a book as well. Who knows what will come of it, but at least I enjoy it :)

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