Monday, July 25, 2011

Head Nod

You know the feeling when you're having a really "adult" conversation?? You have your big girl panties on, you opted for a full-bodied pinot noir instead of a beer, and the eye contact is direct and intense. Perhaps you're talking to your boyfriend's mother's successful 60 year-old Persian friend, or your Dad's lawyer wife, or your old boss from when you were a marketing intern in college (all completely made up examples by the way).  The conversation will go to the usual places- How are you? How is your family? Isn't this place nice? Oh I see you're having the pinot as well... ugh you should know that I'm not really listening and even though I'm maintaining strong eye contact, I have wickedly powerful peripheral vision and I'm looking for a way out.

The conversation will inevitably turn to profession. Now... my boyfriend has a job that old people fucking love. When they hear about his job, you can tell it's the closest they've come to an orgasim in years. Young people too, but octogenarians are really his demographic. He gets the head nod every time. You know... when he tells people what he does the other person is nodding their head up and down, their eyes light up, and you can see the excitement growing in their expression. He has about 500,700 head nod points from this year alone. He has the type of job that comes with the best health insurance, 401K,  great title, long-term stability, ability to grow within the company, company jet, free dry cleaning, he's called sir at work, porn isn't blocked on his computer, blah blah. Yes, of course, I'm proud of him and he's worked hard- whatever. When it comes down to it I'm just raging jealous of the head nods. When I tell my story do you think the older Persian lady is brimming with excitement? Umm no. I get the awkward pause followed by a 'reassuring' pat on the shoulder. And then a part of my soul dies forever. 

As much as I drown in my own self-pity and despair within the corporate world, I would be lying if I told you I don't miss the head nods. It's like heroin. Once you've felt it, you always kind of want it again no matter how much pain and self-loathing is involved in getting there. The feeling of acceptance and accomplishment is addictive. But the reality is, there is something exhilarating about not knowing what I'm going to do with myself. I feel more alive than I did sitting, starring at a computer for 9 hours a day. Oh fuck... and never having to make a cold call again in my life is worth giving up head nods forever. 

So to all those people out there fighting to figure out their destiny, clawing their way out of corporate America to find something that feeds their soul not just their ego, I raise my beer to you... and to you I nod my head. 

(I just told this guy that I'm unemployed)

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