Monday, August 15, 2011

Cray Cray

Although I hate to admit it, I have reason to believe that I have become 'that girl.' 

Allow me to explain... As I've mentioned in other posts, one of the biggest perks of being unemployed (while still having health insurance-- something I'm very grateful for) is that I have ample time to get anything/everything checked out. Wake up with a new mole? Get your ass to a dermatologist- no problem. Your sugar addiction for the past 25 years caused an aggressive cavity that makes your eyes tear up in pain? You can go to the dentist the same day. When you are working 40+ hours a week it can be a total nightmare to try to schedule these types of appointments. Such is no longer the case for me. In fact, I may or may not have gone a bit overboard. I leaf through our health insurance packet as if it were a menu at my favorite restaurant and I know someone else is picking up the tab. Ohhh I can get up to $1000 in acupuncture?? Did you know facials can technically be considered a dermatological procedure?! I'm pretty sure they cover the lap band- and I would be lying if I told you I haven't at least toyed with the idea of gaining 120 lbs then making an awesome come back by losing 130 lbs. I have it all planned out... 

So when I found out that my health insurance covers UNLIMITED psychiatric appointments I was all over that like white on rice.  I found myself a bougie, gay (?), part-time therapist, part-time yoga instructor in Brentwood and I've been in heaven ever since. In all honesty, of all the various doctors that I've been spoiling myself with, this one is definitely a necessity. I won't say that I'm bat shit crazy... maybe just bird poop crazy. My symptoms include (but are not limited to) crippling anxiety, occasional bouts of depression, more anxiety, sprinkled with a dash of hypochondria, and (just to paint you a picture) topped with more anxiety. It's a fun little mix of insanity. My boyfriend finds it hilarious

I've seen drastic improvements since beginning therapy a few months ago. If my anxiety (did I mention I have anxiety?) was a 9 out of 10 before, it's now a 3 or 4. Which is a HUGE improvement to my overall quality of life- and, come to think of it, my boyfriend's as well. He no longer keeps the razors and booze in a 'safe place.' BUT.... I've noticed one tinsy, tiny draw back. You know how annoying it is when someone has a kid and all they talk about is their goddamned kid? As if you care? It's so offensive I can't stand it. Well, unfortunately, I seem to have become 'that girl' only with my therapist. I literally don't think I am capable of having a 10 minute conversation without bringing him up about 307 times. It has to be so annoying for everyone around me. I was recently on the phone talking to a childhood friend who just got engaged and this is actually something I caught myself saying, "well, my therapist tells me that in life we can't control pain. The only thing we can control is suffering, meaning the way to react and deal with pain." UGH. First of all, why the hell I brought up pain and suffering when she called to tell me the happiest news of her life- I still don't fully understand. Secondly, I noticed my tone when I said this to her. It was a balance between serene, forceful, and condescending.  I basically have never sucked more than in that moment. 

But the problem is I can't stop. It's just too exciting! FINALLY, after 26 years, I am able to understand my insanity. It's fantastic. I mean, don't you want to know why you're so off your rocker? And, for the love of God, don't pretend for one second you're not insane. The scariest people in the world are the people who don't recognize their insanity. But I digress. My point is- I will actively try to be less annoying with the whole "I'm-so-enlightened-because-I-go-to-therapy-once-a-week" thing- and I will try not to bring it up in conversation so much. 

And besides, my therapist says that it's totally normal to behave this way. 

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