Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Case of the Tuesdays :(

I've realized that most of my recent posts have been about the ups and downs of unemployment. Which, makes sense, seeing as I am technically unemployed. But the last thing I want to do is alienate my employed fans (that's right- fans). After all, those behind the cubicle walls of doom, those who have to sneak a peak at their favorite websites while trying not to get caught, who have their email accounts blocked at work, who have 30 minute lunches and 45 minute commutes, YOU are the ones who really need some comic relief. Unfortunately, I won't be able to provide that.

What I can do, however, is offer you some personally perfected tips on how to waste time in the work place. While some may think of it as laziness, I happen to view it as survival. Today is Tuesday, arguably the worst day of the week. It's only slightly worse that Mondays because you aren't sandwiched in by the weekend like Mondays. And on Tuesday, you still have Wednesday, Thursday, AND Friday to get through. You poor souls. Don't worry, I'm here. Think of me as your guardian... blogger? Think of me as whatever you want, but I prefer something with an edgy vibe like 'Escape Artist'... none of this angel business.

Here are my top ways to SURVIVE in the workplace:

  • An obvious one, but take as many trips to the bathroom as humanly possible. Drink tons of coffee, water, tea whatever (especially if you happen to get this stuff for free at work) so you have to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes (I happen to have an abnormally tiny bladder- if you can hold your urine better than a 93 year-old man, first of all- congrats to you, secondly drink even more liquids). If you have the option to go to a bathroom further away, great! More time away from the desk. Walk slowly, talk with people in the hallway. This will not only get you a much needed break, but certainly increase your popularity around the office. 
  • I used to download books for free online, copy and paste them into a word document so it looked more work-related, then go to town. This is my personal favorite. You won't find many current books for free online, but tons of classics. By far the best discovery was Stephenie Meyer's (author of the Twilight series... no judgement please) Midnight Sun. It's Edward's account of the first novel- only partially completed, but it's hundreds of pages of cheap thrills. Enjoy. 
  • Leave 5 minutes early for lunch, come back 5 minutes late. You deserve this 10 minutes. Though, not a great idea for those who have to punch a clock (sorry! ).  You guys should drink even more and go to the bathroom every 25 minutes.
  • Start a blog (HELLO!) about the horrible atrocities you suffer daily. Even if google analytics says that you only get 10 hits to your page a day with a high bounce rate, who cares?? It's the only way I didn't throw myself out the window everyday. Oh and if you use blogspot and minimize the page, it almost looks like you're tying an email. 
  • http://thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com/  
  • And, (do I really need to say this??) don't use all your sick days when you're actually sick!! I mean if you have a low fever and sniffles, you may as well go to work anyway. Save your sick days for the days you fear you may murder a co-worker or a heinously annoying client. Your sick days are survival days.  Treat them like gold. 
Any other tips I didn't think of?????!

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