Monday, December 6, 2010

Did you get the Memo?

If I had to pick the single most obnoxious occurrence within Corporate America it would without a doubt be the heathen tradition of the memorandum. Nothing vexes me more in the business world than memos. They're just the worst. And you know the assholes who write them are always lonely, lonely cat-loving women who will inevitably die alone in their studio apartment. This is a memo I just received:

Please note that this weekend we are doing phase 2 of the office remodel. Effective immediately there is to be NO eating at your desks (as we have mentioned several times). Also, it is imperative that you put a lid on your cup (except for water). As you know we are providing lids in the kitchen. I cannot stress enough how serious we are about this. Please do not put us in a position where we need to approach you live and warn you about this. 

DAMN GIRLBITCH.  Is it just me or is this email sort of harsh? This clearly is from the owner of the company who had our HR department deliver this oh-so-important memo. We just got new carpet in our office and you would think it was made out of Faberg√© Eggs and new born babies. As I was reading this kind note, I looked down at the brand new carpet and realized that I was swimming in a sea of crumbs. Crumbs created by eating at my desk....frequently. My chair had also smashed some of the crumbs deep into the carpet. Shit. I had a mini heart attack before I realized that the janitor would vacuum over the weekend and all would be well. And I was right. I walked in today to a crumb-free cubicle.

I'm not proud of this but whenever I get an asinine memo such as this one, my inner second-grader comes out. The "you're not my mom so you can't tell me what to do" side of me. It's a very attractive quality I'm sure. So needless to say I feel the need to deliberately disregard this Memo. You should know that I plan to continue eating at my desk daily. In fact, I just had half of a peanut butter sandwich- it was exhilarating. I knew that at any moment I could be"approached live" regarding my insubordination. Slap me on the ass and call me a dare devil. I'm living on the edge!

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