Mean Girls

Often before embarking on a significant new adventure- whether it is the first day of school, the first day of work, or my first time in a new local ice cream shop, I often fantasize about all of the amazing friends I will make in my new environment. I dream about all the future happy hours we’ll go to, venting about our frustrations, attending each others’ weddings, and how honored I’ll feel when they inevitably ask me if they can name their future children after me.



Imagine my surprise when my new co-workers were NOT tripping all over themselves to get to know the new girl. I even had my opening line for my neighboring cubicle buddies… “Hi there- nice to meet you. I look forward to listening in on all of your conversations (finish it off with a big smile and a quick laugh)” Who wouldn’t be love-stricken with charm like that?! Fucking my new co-workers that’s who. I even got in trouble on my second day. How is that possible? I answered a client call when I was supposed to pass it to my boss. Well how the Christ am I supposed to know that??? The client asked for me by name (well technically he asked for the new blonde girl in the temp division, but still).

There are 5 people in my division- 2 supervisors and 3 admins. Yours truly is an admin. One of the supervisors – let’s call him James- is pretty cool. I’m technically his assistant. He is a 50 year old gay New Yorker who works out every day. He’s a bit of a diva, but I can definitely handle some gay drama. Homosexual is my first language and I proudly consider myself to be a member of the gay community (never mind that I’m technically a woman dating a man). The Miss Ladyboss on the other hand- let’s call her Kristan- is a different story. Homegirl is clearly not a fan. Let’s just say she’s not picking up what I’m throwing down, she’s not buying what I’m selling, she’s not smelling what I’m stepping in… you get the point. Bitch doesn’t like me. Which, quite frankly, would be understandable after she got to know me … but when I start a new job I am 100% class for at least the first 6 weeks. I don’t throw out any curve balls (racist jokes, coming in late, sick days, curse words, drinking on the job, etc.) I’m agreeable, helpful, and quiet. What’s not to like? Oh, and I think that it’s important to mention that I am attractive.


Get this (you may want to grab a tissue)-The other day I was walking back from my lunch break all by my lonesome and who do I see giggling and headed to lunch???? All my cubicle neighbors. Yeah, every single one of them. They literally frolicked past me and I’m pretty sure I heard one of them ask another if she can name her future child after her. Tear. I felt like such an outcast- like the fat kid at prom or worse- like an African American probably feels every time he enters a bank.

Honestly though, I can get over the lunch thing. I’m new, they already have a routine, etc, etc. But this is how I really know I’m not in danger of winning any popularity contests… A few days ago Kristan was (loudly) asking everyone around us if they wanted coffee. She was going on a Starbucks run and apparently was very proud of this. She asked all of my surrounding neighbors if they wanted anything. She asked anyone who walked by. Did she ask me? Certainly not. Did I want something? Yes, yes I did. But she did walk right by me and let me know “she’ll be right back.” Ouch. Message received. And while I was typing this she just asked the other admin if she wanted water. Um hello?? I’m parched up in here.

Well goodbye for now, I have to go get my own water while singing “All by Myself” the whole way…..